A Billionaire's Head
A lesson from my grandma on being mean in a kind way
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Dear Bolu,
I make a distinction between two types of verbal insults. The first, hereafter referred to as TypeA insults, are delivered as questions. Are you mad? At that moment, we become investigators of sorts, only that we are not genuinely interested in the outcome of the inquisition. Is something wrong with you? We don't want a straight answer or any answer for that matter. It's a rhetorical enquiry. What in God's name is your problem? We are not on a healing mission, so we don't care about your issues. TypeA insults are posed as questions to which we often don't want an answer.
The second type of verbal insults hereafter referred to as TypeB insults, are presented as statements. You are mad. Oh, this isn't debatable. We've made observations, created a hypothesis, and followed all the necessary steps of the scientific method to arrive at this conclusion. Our theory is now established, and we make these assertions with reasonable confidence in their plausibility. Something must be wrong with you. Yes, you satisfy all the conditions needed to make that inference. You have a problem. Q.E.D. Our deduction is complete, and not even Sherlock Holmes could arrive at a different conclusion. TypeB insults are declarations we make based on seen and unseen pieces of evidence.
TypeA insults are often not as intense as TypeB. That is because, for the former, we can argue that we merely made an enquiry, and it is up to the other party to respond. So when you get hauled off to the Headmaster's chambers for having said to big-head Ola, "are you stupid?" you could make a weak case as the defendant by saying you never called him names. You only asked a question, and that's true. You may even suggest it was stupid of Ola to think that you insulted him. Doesn’t he know what questions are? In your righteous mind, your shining white cassock is unblemished because fundamentally, all you did was ask a question. You haven't abused him.
But questions can be insults, can't they? I think they can. You can insult people by asking questions. If you walked up to me, a world-renowned chemist (this is not hypothetical, I think), and asked me whether or not I know the formula of water, I could feel insulted. That is one level—the nature of the question being seen as an insult. On another level, the tone the question arrives in can make it an insult. "Are you okay" can be a genuine attempt to probe the well-being of a lover. It could also be said in a scornful, abusive, threatening manner suggesting that someone is not okay. Hence, TypeA insults.
TypeB insults, however, do not provide any protection at all. There is no question of ambiguity when we say to big-eared Nonso, "you are not okay". You couldn't have meant any other thing. There is no hiding place—you said what you said. It doesn't matter the tone, pitch, or manner. You won't get any chance of a fair hearing in the Headmaster's office. As such, it takes more boldness and courage to dish out TypeB insults. This time for sure, your white cassock has a noticeable stain. You have abused him.
Well.
I lied at the beginning of this letter, forgive me. There is a third type of verbal insult, which I'd tag as TypeC. TypeC insults are pretty much kind words said in a hostile manner. They could be questions (like TypeA) or declarations (like TypeB), but they are always positive and delivered in an abusive tone. My grandma has one which I've come to find interesting. Whenever a kid does something he has been warned not to do, she'd say in Yoruba, "wo ori e bi ori billionaire". This translates to "see your head like that of a billionaire's" in English. She says it with unmistakable annoyance, and a stern look that has kept kids in check for half a century.
There's nothing much to deconstruct from that insult. After all, billionaires don't have a particular head type. And even if they did, it's a pretty good thing your head is shaped like theirs, isn't it? In the end, it comes across as a compliment of sorts. In a way, it's also a prayer. If there's any (type of) insult I enjoy, it's that kind. You can tell that the person dispensing the abuse is pissed at you and intentionally trying to be scornful. But you can't exactly pick out any negativity in their words. You can't hold on to abusive comments or the shame and belittlement that often accompanies them because there are no offensive words. It's a kind way to be mean.
As age catches up with us, we find ourselves in situations where we interact with younger people more frequently. They could be kids—our kids, maybe. And kids have this Lara Croft ability to find our last nerve in whatever ancient ruins we've buried it in and jump on it. There is a temptation to go off on them because perhaps we're pretty confident there won't be a clap-back, or we're quite simply mad at them. In such cases, it's easy and convenient to hand out TypeA and TypeB insults because, well, we're used to them, and they're pretty effective. That said, those insults could be pretty mean, and we could end up saying terrible things in bursts of anger.
We should resist the urge to permanently settle for those types of insults. We should try to add more TypeC insults to our insults bank (or pockets if we don’t know a lot of insults yet). You’ve probably heard one or two TypeC insults, and if you haven’t, you’re welcome to add my grandma’s to your collection. After all, it’s the season of giving. It helps to be positive, however slightly, when we are expressing discontent or displeasure to people we love—especially young ones. It's being mean kindly, dear friend.
Fin.
P.S:
How "insulting" is an insult? I wonder how we're able to judge one abuse as more hurtful and sinister than another. How do we learn to make these judgements? I suppose the answer is through social interactions, but that's a bit vague. We're able to tell almost immediately that a diss or an insult was wild. But what are the markers for a good insult? Is it best served in rhymes, poetry, or an indiscriminate manner? Is the louder party often the victor? Are insults that are delivered with insane composure more impactful than those obtainable under volatile atmospheres? Are insults best heard or read? Do soundbites like "Ye!" or "Ahh!" from the audience significantly affect the morale of "co-insulters"? Oh, and how do we hone our insulting skills? Practice, maybe? Do you have a repository of insults? Do you actively search for fresh material? Have you ever run out of barbs, so you just kept recycling bullets you already shot? Did you resort to a fist fight when fighting a losing battle? Are there lines you don’t cross when challenged to a spar of words? How do you know you won a verbal assault battle? Does winning one often come at a cost? Ah, doesn’t winning anything always come with at cost?
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Write you soon, merci!
- Wolemercy
Beautifully written.