Prizes for Arguments
On our aversion to losing arguments
Welcome! If you're yet to subscribe, kindly do so with this button. Also remember to leave a like and a comment if you found this letter valuable!
Dear Bolu,
Why do we get angry in the middle of arguments? I don't refer to arguments where things are at stake—say one's reputation, a financial penalty, jail time, or some other form of punishment. I refer instead to arguments that have no real, tangible repercussion. “Who wore the best Met Gala dress?” “Who is the better footballer or athlete?” “Is Beyoncé all that?” Sometimes we argue about certain trifles and are very pained that others don't share our opinion. It tends to happen when the argument revolves around a subject that we are deeply passionate about. Defending an idol. Praising an act. It could also be a matter of culture or religion.
In our minds, we find it impossible to believe that the other person holds a differing opinion. We are stupefied that we are in the same room with someone who sees things in another light. It's just so clear to us that it should be a certain way. "How can you not see that all this guy does is score tap-ins?" "How can you stan someone who doesn't write her songs?" "Even critics say this movie is the worst drama to come out this year, how can you say it's the best?"
The disbelief often starts out as an amusing point of controversy and we are excited about the opportunity of bringing the other person into the marvellous light. We will liberate them from the pits of ignorance and introduce them to an educated new world. We might present a set of sure-fire facts, anecdotes, and analogies that emphasize the correctness of our view. We might also find loopholes in their arguments and attempt to make them seem larger than they are. We might call their rationalization an oversimplification, and describe their observations as biased, evidence as inconclusive, and inferences as overreaching.
On some occasions, it works. Very well, our points were indeed valid and theirs weren't. They tell us we are right, and we feel some sense of fulfilment. It's another win added to our impressive record. Other times, however, things don't go as smoothly. We try desperately to persuade them of our views but our opponent remains steadfast and resolute in defence of their own view. In fact, they might present valid points that we had never thought about and launch an effective assault on the veracity of our claims. They might be painfully correct. We might be terribly wrong.
Although there are no prizes for winning the argument—no blue ribbon, no medal, no crown, no plaque, no podium, no flowers—we feel deeply dissatisfied that we've lost (or are losing) the argument. If we are honest with ourselves and kind to our opponents, we might concede and recognize their opinion as supreme. "Yeah bro, you're right. I never thought of it that way".
Other times, however, perhaps to save face, massage our egos, or in an embarrassing display of contempt, we remain insistent on our challenged and faulty ideas. We can't defend our views and our battling pieces have left the battlefield. Our rooks have been taken to the cleaners and our pawns already met their ends in futile sacrifices. Our bishops have given up on war, choosing instead a life of penance, piety and charity. Our knights fought valiantly, but they too needed a saving that never came. Our queen was destroyed in one sweeping, elegant move. And we try to save our king by scurrying helplessly for cover. We do anything—anything to not accept the faults in our arguments
We are sad and angry. And we resort to attacking our opponent's character and attitudes. We suppose they're physically challenged in an attempt to make their views worthy of incredulity; "Are you blind?" "Are you listening to yourself?" "What is this guy saying? I don't even understand". We bring their birth certificate under scrutiny and emphasize that they couldn't possibly be as old as they claim to be. "You're thinking like a 10-year old". "Grown man like you".
There's more.
We call their fashion sense into question and conclude that they have a nervous system malfunction of sorts. "The scarf that should be used to style your hair is instead being used to suffocate your brain". "What a waste of grey matter". We insult their parents and pedigree. "Your grandma must be wailing in the grave at what you just said". We presume they’re fatigued and that tiredness must be affecting their judgement. “Rest!”. We curse them. We attack them. And if they're anything like us, they retaliate with sinister replies. It descends into a war of words—not about the content of the argument but about ourselves. It becomes a drama of sorts where the more chaotic party emerges as the winner. It's noise. It's stinging remarks. It’s scathing verbiage. And it's called making a scene.
Such scenes are fairly common today, especially on social media. One could be verbally slaughtered simply for offering an alternative view of a topic. Why do we give little or no attention to the content of other people’s thoughts if we sniff a hint that it contradicts ours? Why are we so averse to being wrong? Even when we know we've been bodied in an argument, why do refuse to admit we are/were wrong? I'm not sure what the answer is, but I think it has to do with fear. Perhaps we are fearful that changing our opinion would mean changing our perception of many other things.
Earlier I said there are no prizes for winning an argument. Perhaps that statement is worth reconsidering. Maybe there are prizes. Why else would we raise our voices to prove certain points? Maybe one of the prizes is the praise and applause we get from onlookers for ratioing someone or verbally assaulting them. Maybe one of the prizes is the reinforcement of our views and ideals. Maybe those views are integral to the structure of our world and altering them would make our life meaningless. Maybe that’s why we go the distance to protect and preserve our belief in them.
Maybe there are prizes for winning arguments, dear friend. Nonetheless, I think we much too easily and frequently attack people rather than their ideas. If you find yourself getting angry in the middle of an argument, pause and take a breather. Things needn't escalate unnecessarily. Concede if you think you are wrong and agree to disagree if you insist you're right.
Fin.
P.S:
No chessboard, chess piece, grey matter, grandma, musical act, footballer, 10-year old, man or woman was harmed or verbally assaulted in writing this letter.
Thanks for reading! I’m delighted you made it here. If you liked this issue of Dear Bolu, you can sign up here so that new issues get sent directly to your inbox.
If you really liked it, do tell a friend about it.
Also, remember to leave a like or a comment!
Write you soon, merci !
- Wolemercy